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Monday, November 23, 2009

Almost 31 weeks


We're really cooking now :) I'll be 31 weeks tomorrow and it's starting to feel real and close. Every day I can feel her moving, poking, turning, hiccuping... its definetly the coolest thing I've ever felt. I could sit and watch my belly endlessly. I love to poke her little foot when she kicks and watch & feel her kick me back. Audrey has gotten big enough that I can see her move as much as I feel her. Baby girl has hiccups right now as I'm writing this. It feels kind of like a bass drum vibrating in your gut. We got her crib a few days ago and have started putting together all of the decoration and furniture for her room (well, Aaron has) and it looks great. We went with primary colors and an animal circus theme.

I've started to have contractions every now and then which aren't very comfortable, but aren't awful either. It feels like someone is squeezing my belly for about 30 seconds, then it lets go. I have another OB appointment today. From now on they're every 2 weeks, then they go to every week in another month. Horray Audrey! You're making progress!

Monday, October 19, 2009

26 weeks



Tomorrow will be 26 weeks, yeah! Only 14 to go.... oh my god it sounds like a long time when I put it like that. This week Audrey is a little over a pound. I have gained 23 pounds to date *sigh* and one pound of it is baby. At the very least, if I only gained another 7 pounds of baby I would still be at 30 and lord knows I won't just gain that much. Oh well, I'll worry about that later. I'm just glad everything is going well so far. I've gotten to the point at work that my patients don't ask IF I'm pregnant, they ask when I'm due... and I hear stories about all of thier birth experiences and their pregnancies. Sometimes I get advice too, or people telling me "oh, wow, you're big for 6 months." Yeah, well lets see how fast your pain meds come next time... :) This is the point in the pregnancy were I supposedly will feel her move the most. Her size to uterus room ratio is just so she has lots of room to kick and is big enough to easily feel and see it. Aaron can easily feel her move now too. I like when he gets to feel her and when he talks to her, I hope we both have an equal chance to bond with her after she's born. I already know Aaron is going to be so in love with this little girl.

I moved back in this past week, its been great to be back in the house and back with Aaron. Things have been going really well and I hope they stay this way. The stress of the house is mostly done with and we have time to do things we enjoy including spending time together. The house is all decorated for Halloween, it looks great! I'm going to be a cat with the belly cut out and painted with fish for Halloween. Audrey will have to experience her first Halloween in the belly, but next year she'll get to go trick or treating with daddy :)

Monday, September 21, 2009

almost 22 weeks

Aaron & I spent the weekend in Priest Lake, ID for Bianca's wedding, it was a beautiful location, a beautiful ceremony and had great food! When we got back, Audrey was kicking me, its getting strong enough that Aaron could finally feel her! :) She likes to slip down in my pelvis after I pee which can be really uncomfortable, I guess she enjoys a little more space in there... One of Ellie's cousins lost a baby at 5 months. I hate hearing stories like that, I hope everything is ok with here and that she stays in there for at least a few more months!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Doctor appointment

Today I had my twenty week doctor appointment. The entire thing lasted about five minutes. I love hearing everything is "unremarkable" and listening to her heartbeat. "woosh woosh woosh" its a beautiful sound. I'm up to 166 pounds, yikes. I've gained 13 pounds so far, which is probably right around where I should be for this far along.

The 20 week entry on babycenter.com states "Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana." Horray for my little banana!





I went grocery shopping after my appointment since I have no food at home. I bought all kinds of yummy fresh food. I bought fruit, sandwiches, juice... Standing in the checkout line behind me was a young hispanic woman with her young daughter. She had about 20 packages of top ramen and some baby wipes on the belt. She dug through her pockets and counted out a couple of one dollar bills to pay for her groceries. It made me really sad. No matter how bad we think we have it, there are always people out there who have it worse. I never have to worry about being able to afford putting food on the table for my children. Whoever said "more money, more problems" must have never been poor. More like more money, better problems...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The first twenty weeks...

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. That makes me officially half way. It almost makes me sad that its half over, but then I think I'm halfway to meeting my daughter.


I used to think about what kind of mother I'd be. I remember riding the bus home from school with Anna Wilson and her asking me if I wanted kids, I said "no" and her response was "well that's too bad, I think you'd be a great mom." I think I was eleven, and that honestly changed my mind. Silly isn't it? Something so small, I'm pretty sure I would have changed my mind on my own, but I remember that moment.


It never happens the way you would think. I thought I would grow up, get married, settle into a beautiful house and then get pregnant. I got married to Aaron in 2007, it was a beautiful and classy wedding, very fitting. I'm pretty sure now that we set up our marriage up for failure. We bought a house when you couldn't find a house to buy and the one we bought was an expensive piece of shit. The first time we turned on the heater it sparked. We set out on this giant mess of a project like adventurers, the idea of building a home together was romantic and exciting. Fast forward two years, we still weren't fucking done... We were living in a trailer outside of the house with four animals. The mess piled up into every inch of our space. I worked overtime to pay for our continually piling credit card bills. Aaron spent every free moment of his time building our house. We began to resent eachother and blame eachother for how miserable we both are. We both eventually looked for comfort and friendship outside the marriage which never goes well. I left angry, hurt and scared one morning in May, just two days after finding out I was pregnant. I wish I had felt a different way about finding out I was pregnant. I was devastated. I felt like nothing could be so unfair. I was alone and pregnant.


I stayed with a friend for a few weeks, then eventually found my own place, it made me sad looking around at my new place. It wasn't home. It wasn't a place I'd spent the last two years of my life building. I got a sinking feeling going home from work, knowing that I was going home to an empty place that didn't even feel like home. I spent a lot of time talking to my family, something I should have done a lot more often. One night my dad told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, that there were people in a lot worse situations than myself and despite what happened, I still had a lot to be thankful for. He was right. So I did. I started healing and actually enjoying spending time alone. I started reading more, taking my dog for walks and watering my plants on a regular basis. For someone who had a reputation of killing every plant I've ever owned within a matter of weeks, I'm proud to say my plants have never looked better.


I started to picture how my life would look after the baby was born, sharing custody, eventually meeting someone and enjoying being in a relationship again. I had heard the baby;s heartbeat at my first OB appointment and giggled with excitement. It had been about three months since I'd left and things began to feel ok. The past month or so Aaron had been routinely letting me know he was still in love with me and that he had screwed things up. I agreed and wasn't ready to forgive him. It was easier being mad. Then something happened, I don't know exactly when, but I let my guard down. I let him back in just a little by seeing him briefly for lunches but that wasn't when I fell for him again. It was after I told him how scared I was to let him back to my life again and hugged him. Something in me melted and it felt great and awful at the same time. I went home and cried that night.. then thanks to a weak stomach currently, threw up. I'm trying to move slowly, its hard when you let your heart get attached again,. It makes it so hard to be alone again which is so strange when I was finally ok alone. Every time he does a silly dance or kisses my belly or pulls me close at night and kisses my neck it makes me fall in love with him a little more...


I first felt movement around 13 weeks, which I now realize is early. It felt like pressure in a place I had never felt before. I doubted whether it was the baby a little the first few times I felt movement, but it was like no gas bubble I'd felt. The movement has become stronger week by week. By week 18 I felt teenie little kicks and flips, they still make me smile. She seems to really like music. I was in the car listening to a song with repeating bass and she started kicking like crazy. She also moves when I sing to her. When I'm at work sitting and talking to a patient starting an IV I will sometimes feel her kick, it makes me happy like we have a secret between the two of us.


This past Wednesday I had my first ultrasound, I was so excited an nervous. My only other experience with an OB ultrasound was when we found out our first baby had died at 9 weeks and it was beyond awful. I had felt her moving so I knew she was alive, but there was so much else that could be wrong. Every little organ the technician measured on the screen I wondered "is that normal?" Before she even told me, I saw the three little lines between her legs and knew it was a little girl. I had a rush of adrenaline and a million thoughts went through my head. Will she be healthy? Will she be smart? a tomboy? hate me when she's a teenager? and I hate pink :P EVERYTHING for girls is pink *sigh*



I cant wait to see her little face and kiss and smell her.